Infertility during pregnancy is one of the most painful truths that one faces. When I first heard I am an infertile woman, I froze. I couldn’t accept the truth nor deny it. I prayed for days that my reports were wrong or miswritten or the test went wrong somewhere. For days I waited for a call from my hospital apologising that they had a mistake. But that didn’t happen. Then I said to myself you should conceive the fact that you can’t conceive.
I was depressed for months. People around me started to console me saying that it was okay and you could do great things in life. I went to psychologist, attended counselling sections but frankly it went in vain. I had suicidal thoughts. Indeed I thought to myself, if I can’t bring a life to earth, if I can’t go through the most incredible phase of any woman’s life, my life is meaningless. Whenever I see a mom daughter Dion, my heart ached.
That physical inability started to carve me mentally, emotionally and psychologically.I felt the universe is so cruel to put me in such a situation where I have been deprived of the most amazing thing, a baby. I could neither sleep nor work. I could neither cry nor smile. Indeed I don’t wanted to be alone nor I wanted to be with my friends. I reached a diluted state. I felt like I am floating. But that was the worst path I went ever in my life. So I quit after a month later.
One of my friends advised me to travel. I myself found it a good idea. To get detached from everyone I know and travel solo. I went from Delhi to Maharashtra. Stayed there for week and went to Kedarnath from there. I was visiting one of the famous temples and an incident there changed my life. After paying homage in the temple, I was searching for my sandals. There I saw a young girl cleaning my sandals.
I went over to her and asked the purpose of her deed. She told me she is hungry and if I could give her anything or any food in exchange to her work, then She will seek blessings to her deity for me. I looked around. There were a few more children wandering around. My heart ached again.
I started thinking, why can’t I protect these children, give them shelter and education? Above all, why can’t I love them like my own? That was the basement for my orphanage. I started my orphanage a year ago and right now I have 23 children here with me. They call me ‘MOTHER’. I treat them like my own. Now I believe if the universe is depriving you from something then it has better plans for you.
I wanted to be a mom for one child. But right now I have 23 children. Now I take it in a different perspective. I am proud to be infertile. I am proud that I am giving a life to my 23 children. In a way rather than having children and contributing to population growth, give life to those who are already in this world. They need you.